Conductor Jokes

What do you call a conductor with half a brain?

Gifted.

Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet into the earth?

Because deep down he was a nice guy.

What do all great conductors have in common?

They're all dead.

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer’s sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: “Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I’m a Conductor!”

What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?

More quicksand

What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?

A freight train needs a conductor!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, “Watch where you are going. Can’t you see that I am blind?” The snake replied. “No. I can’t see that you are blind because I am blind myself.” Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. “Why don’t we feel each other and guess what the other is?” The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, “Let’s see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit.” “Very good,” said the rabbit. “Now it’s my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless, and have no ears. You must be a conductor”

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings”. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

What is the difference between a conductor and a chimpanzee?

It has been scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans

What do you do with a person who can't play his own instrument?

Give him a stick and call him a conductor.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's' dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times. Always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Did you hear about the band director who got zapped by electricity?

Yeah, he must have been a good conductor!

A musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of the percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director cried in frustration,

"When a musician can’t handle their instrument, they give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A whisper was heard from the percussion section:

  "And if he can’t handle that, they remove one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Birthday!

Today's my birthday! And what makes it special this year? It's on a night when I have jazz band rehearsal! I'm bringing brownies for the end of rehearsal. :D

Area Band Audition

Area Band is a band in which students from selected schools in the area are drafted into the band and then have to audition for chairs. My audition didn't go as well as I planned. I know I could do better, but I get so anxious during auditions that I make mistakes I never even made when sight reading the music during the summer! Anyway, I earned 5th chair, so now all I have left to do is become a better musician and practice my music until there are no errors!

History Project

My history teacher has assigned a project in which we choose a topic that we are interested in and study it as it pertains to the time period we study in class! I chose music. The times are ancient Rome and Greece. Here's the link to my project:
https://sites.google.com/site/musicofancientgreek1/

Clarinet Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!

Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--but they'll go through a whole box of them before they find just the right one!

Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.

Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't!

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns their own alto clarinet.

Q: What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
A: Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist. 

Q: Is there a difference between the sound of a clarinet and a cat in heat?
A: Of course, but only if the cat is in good health.

Q: Why was the clarinet invented?
A: To make the oboe look good, mess up someone's fingers, and to ensure that there will always be someone to steal reeds from.

Piccolo Jokes

Q. How do you get 2 piccolos to play in tune? A. Shoot one. Q: Why were piccolos invented? A: To give the whole orchestra a headache. There is a group of 6th grade flute players, and they are in a competition to who can get the highest note.  "Look guys, I can play a high A!" (Screeeeeeech!)  "Well, I can get to high B" (Screeeech!, Any glass nearby busts)  "I can play piccolo!" (Panic ensues)  "Nooooo! DON'T DO IT!"  "PUT IT AWAY!"  "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

Flute Jokes

Q. How do you know there's a flute player at your door?
A. You don't. They can't find the right key and don't know when to make the entrance.

Q: What's the difference between a flutist and a piranha?
A: The lipstick.

Q: How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six -- One to get the chair to stand on, one to stand on the chair and actually screw it in, one to pull the chair out from under her, and three more to complain about how much better they could have done it.

Q: How do concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; they ask their boyfriend to do it for them.

Q: How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
A: When the engines stop, the whining continues

Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the flute recital.

Q: What do you call a good flute section?
A: Impossible.

Q: Four flutists drive a mini-van off of a cliff.  What is the
tragedy?
A: You can easily fit eight flutists in a mini-van.

Q: Why were flutes invented?
A: To hit the person on the right.

Q: What do you have when a group of flutists are up to their necks in wet
concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.

Q: Why do flutists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their
cars?
A: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A flutist.

Q: What's the difference between an onion and a flute?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a flute

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.