Conductor Jokes

What do you call a conductor with half a brain?

Gifted.

Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet into the earth?

Because deep down he was a nice guy.

What do all great conductors have in common?

They're all dead.

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer’s sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: “Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I’m a Conductor!”

What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?

More quicksand

What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?

A freight train needs a conductor!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, “Watch where you are going. Can’t you see that I am blind?” The snake replied. “No. I can’t see that you are blind because I am blind myself.” Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. “Why don’t we feel each other and guess what the other is?” The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, “Let’s see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit.” “Very good,” said the rabbit. “Now it’s my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless, and have no ears. You must be a conductor”

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings”. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

What is the difference between a conductor and a chimpanzee?

It has been scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans

What do you do with a person who can't play his own instrument?

Give him a stick and call him a conductor.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's' dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times. Always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Did you hear about the band director who got zapped by electricity?

Yeah, he must have been a good conductor!

A musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of the percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director cried in frustration,

"When a musician can’t handle their instrument, they give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A whisper was heard from the percussion section:

  "And if he can’t handle that, they remove one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Birthday!

Today's my birthday! And what makes it special this year? It's on a night when I have jazz band rehearsal! I'm bringing brownies for the end of rehearsal. :D

Area Band Audition

Area Band is a band in which students from selected schools in the area are drafted into the band and then have to audition for chairs. My audition didn't go as well as I planned. I know I could do better, but I get so anxious during auditions that I make mistakes I never even made when sight reading the music during the summer! Anyway, I earned 5th chair, so now all I have left to do is become a better musician and practice my music until there are no errors!

History Project

My history teacher has assigned a project in which we choose a topic that we are interested in and study it as it pertains to the time period we study in class! I chose music. The times are ancient Rome and Greece. Here's the link to my project:
https://sites.google.com/site/musicofancientgreek1/

Clarinet Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!

Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--but they'll go through a whole box of them before they find just the right one!

Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.

Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't!

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns their own alto clarinet.

Q: What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
A: Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist. 

Q: Is there a difference between the sound of a clarinet and a cat in heat?
A: Of course, but only if the cat is in good health.

Q: Why was the clarinet invented?
A: To make the oboe look good, mess up someone's fingers, and to ensure that there will always be someone to steal reeds from.

Piccolo Jokes

Q. How do you get 2 piccolos to play in tune? A. Shoot one. Q: Why were piccolos invented? A: To give the whole orchestra a headache. There is a group of 6th grade flute players, and they are in a competition to who can get the highest note.  "Look guys, I can play a high A!" (Screeeeeeech!)  "Well, I can get to high B" (Screeeech!, Any glass nearby busts)  "I can play piccolo!" (Panic ensues)  "Nooooo! DON'T DO IT!"  "PUT IT AWAY!"  "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

Flute Jokes

Q. How do you know there's a flute player at your door?
A. You don't. They can't find the right key and don't know when to make the entrance.

Q: What's the difference between a flutist and a piranha?
A: The lipstick.

Q: How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six -- One to get the chair to stand on, one to stand on the chair and actually screw it in, one to pull the chair out from under her, and three more to complain about how much better they could have done it.

Q: How do concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; they ask their boyfriend to do it for them.

Q: How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
A: When the engines stop, the whining continues

Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the flute recital.

Q: What do you call a good flute section?
A: Impossible.

Q: Four flutists drive a mini-van off of a cliff.  What is the
tragedy?
A: You can easily fit eight flutists in a mini-van.

Q: Why were flutes invented?
A: To hit the person on the right.

Q: What do you have when a group of flutists are up to their necks in wet
concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.

Q: Why do flutists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their
cars?
A: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A flutist.

Q: What's the difference between an onion and a flute?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a flute

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune. 

Trumpet Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding trumpet player running around in your backyard?
A: Stop laughing, and shoot again!

Q: What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
A: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Q: How do you get a trumpet player out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a trumpet player?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching!

Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpet player's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"

Q: Why can't gorillas play trumpet?
A: Gorillas are too sensitive.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven, if you lay them out correctly.

Q: What is the range of a trumpet player?
A: It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?

Q: How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?
A: The terrorist has sympathizers.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the trumpet players.

Q: How do you get a trumpet to play triple forte?
A: Mark mezzo piano on the part.

Q: How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
A: Take away his instrument.

Q: What's the differance between a trumpet player and God?
A: God knows he's not a trumpet player.

Q: How are trumpets like pirates?
A: They both murder on the high C's

Q: Why does a trumpet have three valves?
A: Because trumpet players can't count to four.

Tiny Tim says to his mother, "Mother, I'd like to be a trumpet player when I grow up." His mother replies "Nonsense! You're already lame!" 

I haven't posted for a while, but things are going great for my horn playing. I'm almost better than before braces. My tone quality is clearer and my range is better. I can hit notes on the first try! I got a new trumpet. Bach. its a professional trumpet. I am better at that, too!
Thanks longtones!

Haydn Horn concerto no. 1 First movement Alexander Perathoner

My favorite horn peice! Great tone quality for the horn! Listen!

Adagio and Presto

This is Jessica Ammon playing the piece I have to learn for area and region band trouts. My accuracy with braces is suffering, but I found an emboucheure where I can get the high notes. I guess I will just have to work on my accuracy a bit. I'm geting better at playing this piece, although I play many bad attacks.

Thank You Trumpet!

I came back from vacation on tuesday and decided that instead of playing the french horn, I would play the trumpet for the first time on trumpet. My range and tone quality before braces wasn't as good as the were on the french horn, so I thought, "hey, I'll do longtones for my range and tone quality at the same time. Might as well get a better tone quality now than have to fix it later." At the beginning of the practice session, I couldn't get the C on the staff. At the end, I got up to the Gright above the fifth line. Sadly, I couldn't get the C above the staff like I could before braces, but I'll get there! Back to french horn. On wednesday, I picked up the horn and tried the same thing, and by the end of the session, I sounded a little bit better than I did without braces. Of coarse, I'll still have to memorise the new emboucheure position, but I'm really close! I played the portion of my solo I'd been practicing with almost no mistakes! The soft notes were in tune, the high notes except for the high G and above were open and strong. There were still a few bad attacks, but loads less than before!
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I officially love long tones!

How French Horns Work

Because this looks boring so far, here is a picture of the magical frech horn!

This is a conn 14D double horn. This isn't the typre of horn I have. I couldn't find a picture of a conn 2 double horn. My horn was my mom's so it is 36 years old. Conns are professional level horns and they have an amazing sound.

When we tighten our aperture while buzzing, it causes the frequency level of the sound waves to rise. Think about blowing into a bottle, a tighter aperture is like having more water in the bottle, so when you blow, you will get a higher pith, as opposed to when you have a looser aperture ( less water in thebottle) and when you blow into it you get a lower sound. The 3 finger valves chand the pitch of the instrument by changing the air path to travel different lengths through the horn. Together, the tightness of the aperture and which valves are pressed down determine which note will come out of the instrument. In case you were wondering, the thumb valve on the double horn changes the key of the instrument from F to Bb to help the player play the high and low notes.

Yayness!

I am on vacation, so, of coarse, I had to bring my french horn. Anyway I figured out that it is now much easier to play without wax on my braces. Plus, I'm still getting better at french horn with braces by minute. I bought a fife ( colonial flute), so now I play 6 instruments. I'm a hornist, trumpeter, pianist, floutist, ukeleleist, and fifer! And does playing a cornet count as playing another instrument, since it is basically the same thing as a trumpet? (A fife has different fingerings than a flute so it counts as another instrument.
Sorry you have to suffer through reading my horribly-spelled words!

New York Philharmonic

I've been playing french horn since second grade, but for the past six years, I've wanted to have almost every job except for being a professsional french hornist. Well, The beginning of my third year at Summer Music Accadamy comes around, and guess what I want to be? I f you haven't figured out by the title and the first few sentences that my ultimate goal is to become a professional french hornist in the New Your Philharmonic, I suggest retaking seventh grade english. This blog is basically showing what I need to do to overcome certain obsticles that keep me from becoming a better horn player.So, If whoever is reading this, altough I doubt anyone is (thank you if you are), knows a french horn player trying to overcome the same obsticle, show him or her this blog becaus it might help him or her. For example, I got my braces on yesterday. In a way, I expected only my tone quality to suffer tremendously. In face, my tone quality isn't that bad; I've almost figured out the correct emboucheure again. Of coarse, the notes above the C in the third space (middle C on the horn, high C on the piano) are hard to get. This is mostly because of the one thing I didn't expect; when I play the high notes, the wire on one of my teeth dig into my lip. OW! Even with the wax on my braces (since I can't squeeze my aperture without the wax on) the wire stabbs my lip. I'll have to wait for my mouth to toughen up, but me? Not practicing? SIKE!
     For the people who don't know what is so special  about the New York Philharmonic, it is arguably the best philharmonic, next to the Berlin Philharmonic. I want to be in the New York Philharmonc as opposed to the Berlin Philharmonic because It doesn't use trumpets with rotary valves, and it is closer to home. Another plus to being in the New York Philharmonic is that I know English, but I don't know German. Time to go practice. or eat lunch and then practice!